1440 Minutes

Forget 525600 minutes, I'm just trying to figure out how to measure a day. I was trying to figure out how to describe when my day starts. Or when it ends. It seems like such a simple question, but I haven't found a simple answer. Does it start at 4am or whenever I first wake up after midnight to feed the kid? Or does it start at 7am when we get up for the day? Does it end when I get home from work? Or is that when my day really starts since that's when I get to spend some real quality time with the kiddo? The kid has taught me that life isn't really accurately measured in days or months or years, but rather in moments. Some moments seem unbearable. And then a smile. Or a laugh. Or a peacefully sleeping baby. Those are the moments that make the unbearable bearable again. And make it all so worth it.

3 times a day, whether I need it or not

I've been back at work for about three and a half months now since my maternity leave. When I went back to work, I really wanted to continue breastfeeding...which means pumping at work. 3 times a day, most days.

Every 3ish hours, I shut my door and lock it. A couple of my co-workers who have pumped at work told me that they made that mistake exactly once. It only takes one time of a co-working walking in on you with your shirt pulled up, your boobs hanging out and this weird contraption hanging off your chest to make you always remember to lock the damned door. I'm opting to learn from their mistake. Still, at least once a day I'm sitting there pumping away and have a moment of panic where I spin around then breathe a sigh of relief to see the door shut. Then, I put my phone on Do Not Disturb mode and hang the strange contraption off my chest and pump away. Sometimes I'll see my phone message light blinking or get an email...."Ummm, it seems that your phone is on DND, but..." Yeah, I know, thanks. It's probably because I don't want to be disturbed. And let's be honest, you don't really want to talk to me at that moment either.

3 and a half months of this 3 times a day and I still haven't really gotten over the awkwardness of it. The actual act of pumping is fine. It's more the fact that the walls at work are paper thin and I'm sure everyone in and out of my office area can hear the strange rhythmic whirring sound coming from behind my door. Slinking out of my office, past the two guys I share a suite with, I go down the hall to the bathroom to wash out the breast shields. Some day I'm going to forget to snap my bra back up or pull my shirt down or something. Now THAT will be awkward.

Still, as awkward as it is, I consider myself lucky. California is pretty accepting of breastfeeding and has laws in place to provide the time and place at work to pump. I don't work in a cubicle farm with no privacy and I generally have a pretty flexible schedule, the occasional day with meetings up to my eyeballs (read: only 2 pumping session days) notwithstanding. I've also been lucky not to have supply issues so far (knock on wood). Kellymom is a great resource if you do have supply issues and workandpump.com was also helpful when preparing to go back to work.

It's all worth it though to make sure my kid gets the good stuff.

What goes up must come down...or not

Go to your local book store and you'll find a plethora of books that tell you all about being pregnant. What they don't tell you much about is what to expect AFTER the alien leaves your body. All those hormones that do crazy things to your body as they spike also do crazy things as they come back down.

People tell you that your hair gets thicker or grows faster when you're pregnant, but it actually just falls out less so it seems thicker and longer. What they don't tell you is that after you give birth all of that hair falls out. All at once. I'm pretty sure that by the end of the month I'll be bald at the rate my hair is falling out. 9 months of extra hair is a lot of hair as it turns out.

The out of whack hormones keep those crazy mood swings coming for awhile and your skin will probably go bonkers too. Other weirdness for the c-section crowd is the lack of feeling around the incision. My nurse said her's stayed numb for a year. It's very strange to itch and then not be able to feel it when you scratch.

While the hormones come down, the weight doesn't. 3 weeks after the kiddo was born, I had dropped 25 pounds. The general consensus seems to be that it took about 9 months to put the weight on and that it takes about 9 months to take it off. The first bit came off so fast (and no, I didn't have a 25 pound baby) that I was SURE that everyone must be wrong and that I'd be back down to pre-pregnancy weight in no time. Now almost 12 weeks in and I'm pretty sure I'm not all that far off the 3 week number. Everyone was not wrong. Damn.

Bottle Time

I was talking to my husband last night and we realized that I've probably breastfed the kiddo more than 700 times at this point. A mere 10 weeks ago, I don't think I could imagine it not being a dreadful and painful process. Now, breastfeeding is a part of who I am. But, I'm going back to work soon and it's time to introduce the bottle...

I finally broke out the pump about a week ago, but I'd been putting off and putting off giving him a bottle. I was afraid that my temperamental little guy would like it more than he'd like me and that it would negatively impact our breastfeeding relationship. It was also sort of an admission that I really was going to have to go back to work eventually...and that eventually was quickly going to become a now. Then I started to worry about whether or not he'd take a bottle since I waited too long. "They" say you should ideally introduce one by about 4-6 weeks and somehow 10 weeks had flown by already. Sigh.

Yesterday, I finally relented. It was bottle day. My patient husband listened carefully as I rambled on and on about how to do it just so and things to remember and tips and tricks and a bunch of other probably unnecessary information and then I left the house. Feeding time came and just over 5 minutes later it went. That was it. All those weeks of agonizing if he'd take the bottle, if he wouldn't take the bottle and that was it. Then the next feeding came and went just like the approximately 700 before it.

Today, we skipped the bottle. It didn't really fit in to the day and I didn't really mind that. Not breastfeeding makes me feel like a little bit of me is missing. And today, I wanted to hold onto that piece. We'll try it again tomorrow.

Why Would Anyone Want a Mockingbird?

I'm not the biggest fan of singing in front of people, but I've found out that I have one big fan...actually he's a pretty little fan.... I sing and he stops crying. Most of the time.

The only problem is that since I'm not much of a singer, I don't know many songs. When we first got home from the hospital, I got the tune of "Hush, Little Baby" stuck in my head. I only knew the first couple of lines so I sang them over and over. I finally went online and looked up the rest of the words. I found out that they're weird. How is it encouraging to go from a diamond ring to a looking glass? It seems like you're heading down hill on that one. And if my looking glass broke, how would a billy goat be an adequate replacement?

The only other lullaby I knew was "Rock-A-Bye Baby" and frankly, the lyrics to that one are kind of disturbing. It seems a little cruel to try to get your kid to sleep by telling them they might fall out of a tree. I try to stay away from that one.

I guess I could look up other songs, but the kid really seems to respond well to "Hush, Little Baby" so we'll stick with that one, odd as it may be. For him, I'll put my pride aside and sing my heart out. Over and over and over....

"What's that, mama?"

Dear F,
It's a joy to watch you soak up the world like a sponge, watching, listening and studying everything around you. Already your insatiable curiosity is so clearly evident to me. How amazing would it be to be able to see the world through your eyes -- everything is so interesting and so new to you. I can almost see the little wheels spinning inside your head as you work to figure things out.

As a child, I remember asking my dad "what's that?", "how does that work?", "why?" seemingly unendingly. (Actually, I still do it sometimes :-) ) I'm not entirely sure how, but it seemed like he always had the answer. But more importantly, he always seemed to have a few minutes to tell me what that answer was.

I'll make you a promise, kiddo. My dad fostered my sense of curiosity, my love of learning. I promise to try my best to give you these same gifts he gave me. And most importantly, I too want to give you the gift of time, as my dad gave me. I want to always take a moment to answer your questions and feed your curiosity. I may not always have the answers, but we can find them out together. I never want to see that inquisitiveness fade away.

I'll also make a promise to myself. I promise to try my best to take a cue from you and remember to not let go of my own child-like sense of wonderment. It's easy to get caught up in life and not pay attention to the world around me. It's easy to forget to ask "what's that" and "why". You remind me to stop and pay a little more attention to things. It's just one more way you amaze me every day.

I love you, pretty baby,
Your Mama

Being Pregnant - part 2

Here's the second half of the letter to my friend responding to the question of what it feels like to be pregnant:

It’s been so easy to get caught up around the idea of being pregnant, that I am occasionally blindsided by the reality that pregnancy doesn’t just end...it results in a baby – a human being for which I am wholly responsible. An “oh crap, what the hell am I supposed to do with a BABY???” thought strikes me periodically. I’ve thought and Noel and I have talked a lot about our priorities and ideas around child-rearing, but I think that’s the one thing you can never truly be ready for. Lots of things sound great in the theoretical, but reality has an odd way of dictating otherwise in the moment. That is a terrifying and overwhelming thought sometimes, but I guess I take solace in the fact that there are nearly 7 billion people on the planet and I surely can’t be the worst parent among them, right? I guess we’ll do what we can and hope for the best.

Although I can get wrapped up in being pregnant, it can also be easy (especially as time has gone on) to kind of forget about it…not that you ever entirely do so, but it’s kind of become the norm. 9 months is a lot of time. I’ve kind of gotten used to it all and don’t really think about it too much these days. (I’m sure that will change as d-day looms closer.) Right now, I’m more in “everything must be ready NOW” phase (like painting the room, building the crib, having supplies, etc.) more than being concerned about “being pregnant”...that’s old hat now. :-)

As for labor & delivery, it isn’t something that has actually bothered me at all. My thoughts on that is that it will be a relatively short period of my life (no more than a few days at worst) and it’s gonna be what it’s gonna be. As long as the kid comes out healthy (and eventually), then whatever. Scientific studies have shown that women really do have “amnesia” about how bad labor and delivery are. It’s the world’s way of allowing women to be convinced to go through it again. The idea of an epidural creeps me out – not a fan of lack of control of my body. But, that’s something that every woman needs to decide what she can and is willing to tolerate. There is a possibility that I’ll need a scheduled c-section due to the placenta being too close to my cervix. At first I was very disappointed at the idea of that as I wanted to experience labor (I can’t really explain why...it’s a little wanting to feel connected to the whole experience and the child, a little bit about seeing what my body is capable of and then just an intangible feeling). But, again, I’ve come to realize that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter how you get there – all that matters is that you get there. See 2 paragraphs up – ultimately it’s all about the fact that there is another person in your life and in the world at the end of the day (or days as the case may be :-) ).

Pregnancy is a long, strange journey (at least for me). Parenthood is a longer, stranger journey (from what I’ve been told and from what I can imagine). You’ll get a lot of advice – good, bad and otherwise – about both if you choose to pursue it. But, I think the best advice was given to me by a friend of mine – listen to people, take what they say with a grain of salt and do what’s right for you...which isn’t necessarily the same as anyone else. Here’s my advice (which you should take with a grain of salt): you will never be “ready” to have a child & there is never a good time to have a child – you just have to be ready enough and dive head long into it; if decide to move forward then get in good physically shape – it makes pregnancy (and recovery from what I’ve been told) much easier generally speaking; once you get pregnant, listen to your body – even if you don’t agree with it, it’s probably right; be prepared for parenthood to throw you for a loop constantly – kids don’t fit into the perfect world scenario very often (I’ve experienced this plenty working with kids); finally, only do this (have a kid) if this is the right thing to do for you – not for anyone else.

--
I still feel pretty much the same "oh crap" kind of way as I felt when writing that first paragraph and generally stand by my advice in the last paragraph...for the time being. Ask me again after I've been doing this longer.

Being Pregnant - part 1

Around the beginning of my 8th month of pregnancy, a friend asked me what it felt like to be pregnant. It was interesting to go back and read the letter I wrote. In some ways it seems like being pregnant was ancient history even though it's only been a matter of weeks and yet it in the midst of it pregnancy seemed to drag on FOREVER. Here's the first half of my response:

Being pregnant…hmm…

First of all, from everyone that I’ve talked to being pregnant is a completely different experience for each person. There are of course common symptoms and whatnot, but how those affect the individual (and each pregnancy itself) can vary widely. More so, I think how each person deals with pregnancy emotionally is very different….some love it, some hate it, some are ambivalent. I think I fall more in the latter category.

Physically, my pregnancy has been very easy (so far, knock on wood!) I had virtually no nausea, no throwing up (that usually comes in the first trimester). I was pretty tired at the beginning – not uncommon, but you usually get your energy back in the 2nd trimester. I’ve had friends that were exhausted the whole time though… My back has been bothering me on and off throughout (it’s actually where my hip comes into my spine – thank you hormones that make your ligaments relax). I’ve felt winded a lot – hormones again. Other than that, it’s been easy. There’s a significant laundry list of “symptoms” (I hate that word….it makes pregnancy sound like a disease) that I’ve pretty much steered clear of. (If you really want to know, I can rattle some off for you.)

Emotionally, I’ve had my ups and downs. Again, thank you hormones. I think one thing specifically that was difficult for me was dealing with the fact that my body was changing and there was nothing I could do about it. It was frustrating to not be able to button up my pants. Prior to being pregnant, I’d worn the same pant size since high school….changing body and self-image was not something I’d every dealt with. It’s also frustrating sometime to not be able to do the things I’ve always been able to do – some things that I “shouldn’t” (like painting the baby’s room) and some things I can’t (like go go go all day…I get tired, winded, backaches...). It’s not mind over matter…you lose a bit of control over your body and your life.

One of the weirdest things for me is feeling baby move. It’s kind of cool, kind of bizarre. Sometimes it feels like my body is going off its rocker. Sometimes it reminds me that there is actually a human being inside of me. For me, that is an incredible, strange, terrifying thought.

Cry, baby

Last night I was talking to my husband about the day F was born. I have a hard time remembering everything that happened. What they say about mothers having labor amnesia is totally true...hence the fact that people actually voluntarily have second (or third or more...insanity!) children. In the midst of the chaos of the situation, things are a bit of a blur. There are a few moments that are indelibly etched into my brain though. Like for some reason, I was totally fixated on the fact that we'd been parked in a 10 minute loading zone for almost 2 hours and my husband HAD to move the car. If I'd only known... (We didn't get ticketed or towed, but he did move the car, at just the wrong moment...at my insistence. Sorry, honey.) I remember slight hint of panic in the generally calm and collected nurse's voice when she realized F's umbilical cord had prolapsed, the anesthesiologist holding my hand as I lay alone in the OR.

But the one thing that I will never, ever forget is waiting for what seemed like an eternity to hear my baby cry. The complete and utter heart-stopping fear I felt in that moment is indescribable. I vaguely recall someone saying that he was out and was fine, but how could I possibly believe that if I didn't actually hear him cry? It's what babies do, right? They cry. Not my kid (at first, at least). Apparently he was looking around taking it all in. He couldn't be bothered with crying...there were too many interesting things to see. But unable to see him, I waited breathlessly praying for my baby to cry. And then I finally heard him and my world was suddenly right in a way it never had been before. I didn't know one was capable of feeling as much as I felt in that moment.

When his crying jags seem overwhelming, I need to remember how much I longed to hear him cry, how a single cry turned my world upside down and right side up all at the same time (in an amazing, wonderful way). Just be careful what you wish for. ;-)

Breastfeeding is Hard!

First of all I’m a huge proponent of breastfeeding. It’s not hard to find information online about why exclusively breastfeeding for at least 6 months and continuing to breastfeed for at least 1 year is beneficial to both mother and child (check out here for information on the benefits and additional resources on breastfeeding). That being said, one thing that you don’t readily hear from all of the “official” sources is that breastfeeding is hard! You think that women have been doing this since the dawn of time and they didn’t have any books or videos or websites or lactation consultants…how hard could it be? It’s supposed to be what God created us women folk to do, right? You also hear that if it shouldn’t hurt unless you’re doing something wrong. Wrong.

Having had a c-section, one benefit (there aren’t many, trust me) is that I spent 3 full days in the hospital. That provided plenty of time for plenty of nurses and a lactation consultant to observe breastfeeding. I kept asking, “Is it supposed to hurt this much? What am I doing wrong?” They kept saying, “The latch must be bad. You need to fix it. Let me take a look.” They’d look and inevitably say, “Hmm…the latch looks fine. Keep doing what you’re doing.” Fine my ass….tell that to my poor nipples.

Then there’s the matter of supply. Am I making enough? Is he going to starve to death? How do I know? F was 8lbs, 6oz at birth and 7lbs, 10oz at discharge. That was 1oz above the magical 10% drop from the birth weight. If the baby goes below that, then they get worried. I had a nurse tell me that I must not be breastfeeding right. Hello, slap in the face. As if I’m not insecure enough about this whole being responsible for another human being thing already. (Note: of all the nurses I encountered, the vast majority were wonderful, amazing people that got me through some tough moments…this one was just a tad insensitive to a raging hormonal new mom.) My doctor wasn’t concerned in the slightest and at F’s appointment 5 days after birth, he was 8lbs, 4oz and at his 2 week appointment he was 9lbs, 12oz. Let’s just say my kid is a tank and is gaining weight just fine, thank you very much.

In terms of the nipple pain, making sure the latch is good IS really important. No need to add insult to injury. (A detailed article can be found here giving a good explanation about breastfeeding positions and getting a good latch). Beyond that, I have one word: Lansinoh – medical grade lanolin. Use it early, use it often. I wish I’d have started using it at hour one instead of day 2 ½. I used it religiously for the first several weeks and the pain and scabbing subsided eventually. It gets better, I promise. (Note: pain other than nipple pain could be a sign of another problem. Common concerns can be found here.)

As for supply, that’s one of the most common concerns among new breastfeeding moms. Basically, if your baby is going through enough diapers and is gaining weight appropriately then you’re pretty much good to go (more detailed list of signs of successful breastfeeding can be found here). I’m trying to resist the urge to have him weighed daily, so I haven’t bought a baby scale or anything. As if I need to aid my neurotic obsession. His clothes are getting progressively tighter and I don’t think it’s from shrinking in the wash, so I’ll take that as a good sign for the time being until his next appointment.

I only want the best for my kiddo and I want him to be happy and healthy. It’s easy to get overwhelmed in the sea of information overload that is the digital age. The prenatal class I took was critical for me so I had at least some semblance of a clue at to what was going on with breastfeeding before the birth. It didn’t really mean too much at the time, but there were definitely light bulb moments of “oh, THAT’S what they meant!” once he arrived. A good book from a reputable source can be really helpful too, although there are so many different parenting philosophies that can be contradictory and confusing. I read a range of stuff, tried not to get too pissed off at some of the wack jobs out there and am trying to forge my own path based on information and instinct. Ask 50 women about their philosophy on breastfeeding and you’ll likely get 50 different answers. Just go with the flow. Literally.

Moments in time

Dear F,
I can’t believe that you’re only a month old; I can’t believe you’re already a month old. I can’t imagine life with out you and yet it’s hard to believe that I’ve only had you in my life for such a short time. It is amazing to watch you grow and change so quickly. I love watching you assert your own individuality and personality already. There are so many little things every day that I wish I could capture and preserve that moment in time forever. The beautiful blue of your eyes. How your fingernails are miniature duplicates of mine. How you’ve always wanted your hands near your face even before you were born and have wiggled out of a swaddle to get your hands up since the day you were born. The way you scrunch up your face in excited determination right before you latch on when breastfeeding. The squeaky sound you make when you eat. How your cheeks are so chubby when you’re sleeping, but how your face looks longer when you’re content and awake. How strong you are when playing on your tummy. Your serious curiosity and how you get bored easily unless you’re walked around so you can see different things. The way your sad face absolutely breaks my heart. The way your smile makes me melt every single time I see it. You amaze me every day and I feel so blessed to have you in my life.

I love you always, pretty baby,
Your Mama